1º EMPATHY: You are Julian hiding under the bed write your thoughts: Now that I am under my bed i´m very afraid because our father is searching for me. Because we did something wrong. We ate my father´s pudding. I´m very worried about this. What i´m going to do and what is going to happen to my brother?
We ate that pudding because it tasted excellent, it was like a whole raft of lemons. Like a night on the sea! We made a mistake because the pudding was for my mom. I hope my father isn´t going to find us.
I don´t have to be afraid because my father is a good guy. I don´t think he is to punish us so hard. Maybe he will say we took a wrong decision. Oh God help me! Please.
Maybe I will take a look. My father can be close: I think that is a good idea to check it. But if he sees me he will kill me! I prefer to stay here.
I think you should work a bit harder on trying to communicate a tone of desperation. The words your character express are right, but when I read them they are not very convincing or expressive. Maybe adding some more exclamation marks or rethorical questions would have helped.
ResponderEliminarWe´ll keep on working on different techniques to portray a character`s voice. You can do better than this!
Satisfactory.